The First & Last Ride

December 6, 2021 -

Your first ride with your child is typically coming home from the hospital. Your emotions run high, you recheck that the car seat is secure what seems like a million times, and you panic about all other the drivers on the road you have no control over. You think about all the other momentous rides you’ll have together: first time in a front facing car seat, first time in the front seat, first time with a drivers permit… It’s a ride full of questions of what comes next in your new normal with the new bundle of joy in tote.

Well, it turns out your first and last ride with your child is similar. Its filled with emotion, lots of emotion, but instead of excitement of all the memories ahead, you agonize over what rides will never be- even simple rides to school, to practice or to the store, all the road trips where an extra little voice asking, “are we there yet??” will not be heard. You sit with your baby on your lap in the tiniest casket, not strapped in that car seat and you think about how this is the first and last time your family will all be together in the car. And most of all you think about what comes next and how you move forward without a piece of your heart with you from this day forward.

Thursday was hard. Can’t pretend it wasn’t. And looking through pictures of the day and coming across these getting in the car heading toward the cemetery with Josie in hand made me think about our first ride with Leila and how after a month in the NICU we were so grateful to be going home. Even then we told ourselves as days were hard going home every night without our baby girl for weeks that people had it worse than us. We now know both sides of that first ride, and this experience has made me even more grateful for our Leila. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but she’s been a ray of light during this dark time. I sure do love my girls.